Not just a mum – but what else am I?

Woman at work - 19 Mar 18

Not just a “mum” – but what else am I?  

This is my first blog, I figured that the best place to start was with why I’m going to begin blogging. The term ‘blogging’ itself in my case is already something of an exaggeration, since this is the first one. So I’ve decided to blog – and I’m not even sure there’s enough mileage in this for a whole one. If anyone’s reading that is.

The why is this. At 41 years of age I have found myself at a little bit of a crossroads. Which maybe isn’t quite the right term because it’s not a choice of which road to take. More like I can’t find the road I’m looking for, I don’t know what it’s called or even where it goes. But I keep hearing that song from Bone thugs n’ Harmony on repeat through my head which is why I’m calling it that.

Anyway, I find myself looking for something to do but I don’t really know what it is. It could be some kind of hobby, project, a new job or maybe even my own business. A common fantasy. Why do I need this extra thing in my life?  The answer to that, is not something I’m sure about either.

I am married with two children, five and three. I work full time, although I do enjoy the privilege of being able to work from home on some days of the week. Not a luxury that all working parents have, I know. And I quite like my job. I don’t love it but I quite like it. The work is interesting enough and there’s certainly plenty of it.

In addition to this, like many other working parents I have other jobs to do that include cleaning, cooking, washing, driving, and general organising of our lives. I have a good group of friends that I enjoy socialising with. I have parents, siblings and in laws that we see regularly and sometimes I manage to fit in a bit of exercise. So you’d think I’m busy enough.

The only reason I can think of for this need, this searching, is that my little family is starting to become a bit more independent. Don’t get me wrong, with a five and three-year-old I know we’ve got a long way to go in terms of children looking after themselves. Our work here is far from done.

But basically, we don’t have babies any more. I think I’ve spent the first half of my life (have I made myself dead at 81?) sorting the family part out. And for the longest time it was all I could think about. To meet someone, commit to them forever and start having kids. And I don’t mean in a sort of 1950’s American housewife way. I always wanted to work. I knew that I would go back to work after having a family. But whether you’d asked me at 20 or 30 what I wanted out of life then that was my main goal.

I haven’t always been someone that needed to be this busy. A whole lifetime ago before I had kids I used to sleep late and read lots and window shop in a kind of leisurely way that I’ll never know again. But I was very focused on having a family, and for me personally I would have loved to have had my kids much younger (though there are doubtless many benefits to having had them a little later). But this meant that from my late teens I went through a good number of long term relationships. Staying in them when I ought not to have, and attempting to make each one – The one.

I regret not travelling more. The reason I didn’t is because I somehow convinced myself that if I hung around where I was long enough I would eventually meet the father of my children. I got a mortgage very young (ha! The late 90’s eh?) I was settled into a nursing job. In my mind I was “child ready”. I just hadn’t found a dad.

I regret not being single more. Just getting to know myself better and enjoying the freedom. Maybe if I’d spent more time figuring out who I was and what I wanted I would actually have met the right person sooner. Not knowing more about myself meant I struggled on in relationships that were wrong for me and the person concerned. And in my desperation I would jump into the next one without looking, checking or learning anything.

It eventually took an abusive relationship for me to stop, and take cover and start to look inwardly a bit more. To start protecting and discovering myself a bit more.  I focused on myself, my family and friendships.

Fast forward a couple of years and I meet my husband and best friend. We both knew early on that this was it, so we were only together a year and a bit when we got engaged and some months after that decided to start trying for a family. Our focus completely shifted and babies were the name of the game. My first child, my daughter didn’t come easily. We tried for two years and were well down the road of having fertility tests when it finally happened.

I’ve gotten off track. The point is for the longest time I was focused on forming my family. I don’t need to explain why I’ve had so little time to focus on myself since I had two kids.  So it’s only now that I’m trying to work out “my thing”.

I read a quote on Instagram the other day that said “Make your vision so clear that all your fears become irrelevant” you know the type of thing. Its supposed to be motivational. But what if you don’t have a vision?

Is blogging the answer? Is it my thing? I doubt it. There are very many other people writing blogs who have the same type of life experiences as me, and who are at a similar stage in life as me. I think the market is probably cornered on the working mum blogs. It could just be a distraction for a while. But probably a fun one. But I can see the benefit, because even if no one’s reading, I am still writing, and there’s a kind of catharsis in that at least. Perhaps I just need to tell my story even if no one’s listening.

So there you go. It’s not like I’ve got nothing to do for the next forty (is fifty too much to hope for?) odd years. But it would be nice to find something that’s just mine. And hopefully blogging is going to help me figure that out.

Woman at work

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