Not mine

GinandGlitter - 27 Jan 19

I am mother but not like others. I am an adoptive mother. We are not like others, my experience is not like my friends or even like other adoptive parents.

I never had the first scan or the nct friends, I never had the baby shower or any of the excitement of you joining our family as I never thought you’d be mine. The fear of losing what I’d not had but wanted so much overwhelmed me.

Up until the day I met you all I had was a A4 photo and the hope everyone would agree we could take you home.

We filled in every form they asked, read every book they suggested, we went to training, traveled across the country, answered every deep dark question they asked, decorated a room for a one day,  bought another car, saved thousands and all just to prove we were good enough.

And then you were home, well you were in our home but taken from the only one you knew.

You cried constantly and I knew you missed something but that you didn’t really know what. We were told you slept. You didn’t for for months you woke constantly terrified unable to be comforted by touch.

You never napped and your complex medical needs left me drained and hyper vigilant unable to relax around you But I tried, believe I tried and still do everyday. I fully tried to embrace our new life giving you all that you had missed out on so far.

We went to every group which if I’m honest only made things worse. Always the outsider at baby & toddler groups, never making friends due to no one having that shared experience that bonds some mothers.

The new mothers were still wrapped up in the newborn phase and the others second or third timers had ready established friends and no interest in being around our awkwardness.

Then 9months later I was back at work  and what should of been our special bonding time was over but we weren’t bonded you still didn’t feel like mine. Or should I say I didn’t feel like yours.

I felt like you tolerated me where as You’d taken to your new daddy and oh what joy you brought to his life but it always felt different to me.I thought it was me that it was just in my head. However As the years have passed others started to notice it the little looks and words you say to me that cut deep. What little joy you find in my presence. But I am your mother even if most days you don’t want me to be. I love you and one day hopefully you’ll be mine but until then I’ll keep trying to win you around.

GinandGlitter

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