Pause for thought: the underused parenting tool of not rushing in

A Woman Less Ordinary - 30 Nov 17

Original unabridged text: https://wp.me/p9fLQh-fY

This is a good news article: you can achieve so much as a parent by just being a bit lazier; being a little slower to react and waiting a while before solving problems or doing things for your kids.  Why?  Because necessity is the mother of invention – your child will learn to come up with their own answers and this is one of the greatest gifts that you can give them.  After all, the role of any parent is to help their baby slowly transition into adulthood and equip them with the skills needed to be independent human beings.  There are other aspects to parenthood too, of course 🙂

This is what I mean…

You don’t need to be a Parent in shining armour

I don’t rush in to help my 4 year old son to open a packet, close a tricky lid or fix a broken lego structure.  I watch and wait to see if he is able to do it for himself: if he can, he’s very happy.  If he can’t, I’ll try a few verbal suggestions first or I’ll demonstrate in slow motion as I open my own packet so that he can copy me.  Usually, this does the trick and he solves his own problem.  If he’s getting upset or frustrated, I’ll ask if he wants my help and do what he asks.  I am investing both of our time in making him more independent – he might be able to do it without any intervention at all next time if I take the trouble to teach him how.

The first rule of fight club…

I don’t rush in to help my son resolve a dispute with a friend (he’s now 4).  I sit back and listen to what solutions they come up with to their dispute.  It’s not always what I would have devised, but kids can be very inventive.  Give it a try; you might be amazed!  You can always step in if you don’t like what is happening.  If the friends are struggling, I ask questions like “what do you think should happen next?”, “why do you think X is upset?” and maybe asking X “what would make you feel better?”.  Getting these kids to talk and listen to each other is helping them to build a better friendship.  They’re also more likely to be satisfied with the outcome if they’ve had a hand in bringing it about.

Just eat it!

I don’t rush in at mealtimes.  I’ve witnessed rapid-fire “You don’t like it?  You’re finished?  You’re ready for dessert?” type questioning from parents in response to their kid not diving in to their meal straight away.  What self-respecting kid is going to pass up going straight to dessert?!  Or having something that they prefer for dinner?  Or at very least, the attention that they’re getting?  Give yourself a break!  Start eating your own meal and just assume that your kid will eat theirs.  I have a lot more to say about fussy eaters 🙂  If my son needs something once I’ve started eating, such as a spoon because he’s struggling to eat sauce with a knife and fork, or more milk because he’s finished what he had already: guess what?  I pause!  If I think that he can resolve the issue for himself, he is allowed to briefly get down from the table to fetch whatever it is.  If, such as in the case of the milk (we buy gallon bottles!), I think that he’s going to struggle on his own I finish my mouthful or my segment of the conversation and then I go.  I am teaching him a little patience as well as the notion that my meal, or what I have to say is also important.  You are not your kid(s) servant!

Pretend you’re asleep 😉

If I hear my son awake early in the morning, I pause.  I have been doing this for a long time as part of my “it’s not morning” strategy.  When he was a baby, the pause was until 7am or as close to that as I could get away with without him getting very upset.  There was a tricky stage around potty training but generally I’ve stretched this pause out over time.  As a toddler, he was in a baby-proofed space but now at the age of 4 he is trusted to go anywhere indoors.  My “pause” can now last an hour or more!  There are two massive benefits to this strategy.  Firstly, my husband and I get to lie in on a weekend.  Secondly, my son is amazingly good at imaginative play!  He can make fun with anything. On holidays, we only pack a few of his own small toys and then he plays with free things in hotels – coffee stirrers, paper cups and plates, the crayons he gets in restaurants, the threads from the sewing kit, notepads, pillows, empty toiletry bottles etc.  He has never once complained that there is nothing to do!

If it’s Tuesday this must be Belgium

My main and final pause is in the avoidance of overscheduling.  My son is 4.  He does not need to already be having piano lessons, soccer practice, ballet and instruction in Mandarin.  There is room for maybe one of these things if you’re so inclined at this age but it has to be for fun.  A slower pace of life with plenty of time outdoors will teach your kids patience, how to value their own company, their family’s company and develop their own creativity.  I am sure that these things will become part of my son’s life as he gets older and actually asks to do them, but for now I will pause.

A woman less ordinary is a Teacher, Mother, Geographer, environmentalist, traveler, personal optimist, Mustachian, atheist, feminist and realist.  With 10 years of teaching experience, she has many effective techniques for managing kids’ behaviour (and a lot to say about finance if you’re interested) BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF IT! 

@WLOrdinary

A Woman Less Ordinary

A Woman Less Ordinary lives, parents, purchases and thinks differently. With 10 years of teaching experience, she has many effective techniques for managing kids’ behaviour (and a lot to say about finance if you’re interested) BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF IT!

View profile for posts, events and more info