SAY THE MAGIC WORDS…

Site Default - 25 Feb 16

Let’s face it, nobody wants their child to be a brat. Everybody wants their little one to be well-mannered and polite to everyone they meet. Whether it’s at a party, having tea with the grandparents or sat at a table having lunch with friends, we all want our sprogs to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ at the appropriate times – to be nice. After all, getting your child to mind their Ps and Qs at an early age will hopefully turn them into a kind, considerate adult. (Fingers tightly crossed.)

But I do think that we often go too far when instilling good manners into our offspring. To the point when it becomes less about teaching your child how to behave and more about showing off as a parent. When it becomes more of a ‘Look at my impeccably behaved cherub; aren’t I clever?’ scenario. Children are children at the end of the day and forcing poor four-year-old Maisie – who’s red with embarrassment and on the verge of tears – to say ‘thank you’ to Auntie Jane for ‘the most amazing gift ever’ is just taking lessons in etiquette to the extreme.

Hands up, I’ve often found myself having a quiet (albeit slightly commanding) word with one of my sons about thanking the host for a fun party or giving their friend a nice cuddle goodbye. But what usually happens is that my quiet word doesn’t work and I leave an event or friend’s house feeling ashamed of my son’s behaviour. But if I look at it from my child’s perspective, there is often a genuine reason why they are not so compliant: they are not saying ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’ or ‘thank you’ out of shyness; they are uncomfortable about hugging their friend – and they’d rather do a high-five next time. And that’s ok.

And then there are the magical, shiny moments when one of my sons actually says ‘Thank you for my delicious meal, please can I get down?’ without any prompting. When they take their plates to the sink. When they actually put their crisp packets in the bin, instead of throwing them on the floor. When they come up to me after supper, give me a kiss and say ‘You’re the best cook in the world, thank you’. When they go up to a feeling-poorly Gramps and give him the biggest impromptu cuddle ‘to make him feel better’. And those times I hold to my heart.

Learning to accept that sometimes your children are good and sometimes they are bad is all part of being a parent. And realising that nobody – even your own child – is perfect makes life a bit less of a struggle and far more enjoyable. You can relax a bit more and let go of that crazy parental habit of seeking perfection.

Ok, so belching after a meal is not acceptable (my three-year-old knows what I’m talking about…) and stripping off and dancing on the table after breakfast, singing into a banana microphone, is not the done thing (my five-year-old should take note…), but maybe we can sometimes, just sometimes, giggle at our children’s appalling manners as parents together. And in doing so give ourselves – and all our little mites – a break.

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Fiona Pennell lives in the Cotswolds with her husband and their two boys, Jack, 6, and Otto, 4. A former YOU magazine sub-editor, Fiona now spends her days being trampled on, going on slug hunts and dreaming of lie-ins. (Twitter: @fiona_pennell)

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