SELF PERCEPTION AND SELF WORTH, DO WE ALL FEEL THIS WAY?

MAMA SNOWBEAR - 18 Jan 18

So… Who else feels that INTENSE feeling of self doubt on a regular basis? I certainly do/did. Self acceptance is a really hard thing to achieve – well I think so anyway! I didn’t start my journey of self acceptance or self discovery on purpose, it was a series of events that happily coincided, which lead me to realise that I NEEDED to make a change and become more proud of who i am as a women and that WHO I AM IS ENOUGH.

ps. i’m a strong independent women motherfuckers!

For the sake of my own personal sanity, my health both mentally and physically and for my ever growing family I started a journey of self discovery and self worth, don’t get me wrong i still have my moments we all do .
My “main” culprit is fluctuating body weight and I hate my stomach after birthing two children.
I have always wished i had a big arse and thighs with a flat tummy rather than my skinny legs and big boobs, but we cant have it all.
I do miss my skateboarder chick physic but i’m working on getting it back, I mean i need to give myself some credit i have grown two fully formed humans and pushed them out in under 2 hours, that’s pretty fucking epic.

I don’t believe in God, but, I do believe in “mother nature” that there is something out there don’t ask me what but i can feel something in my bones, it’s quite hard to explain. I’m not sure what that something is but I know that whatever it is, it has already planned my journey and I am MEANT TO BE where I am today. I just needed to work hard to find my path and take a couple of detours.

I totally get that it sounds a little bit Bonkers like i’m living in the land of narnia or “jess’s world” as my father likes to call it but do you ever get that feeling that something is just meant to be?, I feel like that quite often and when my husband starts stressing about money or wanting more of it and more from his career i try to relay a quiet sense of calm of what will be will be and we will face it together and ultimately we will be absolutely fine because we’ve got this, but most importantly we have each other and our beautiful family.

If I hadn’t had met my “first love” then I wouldn’t have changed my path and moved to germany again after being away for so long .
I then also wouldn’t have met my Ex boyfriend who left me to go fight a war in afghanistan, meaning that I would then go on to university back in the uk which is where i met my hubby and graduated , ok not on time as we managed to have our beautiful boy inbetween it all but we both graduated with excellent degrees and now almost 11 years later we are still going strong with another beautiful addition and wedding bands to match.

If I hadn’t started a business focusing on “myself” and my work then I wouldn’t have decided to blog, meaning that I would never have thought i was worthy enough to be a writer but my husband apparently thinks i have flair.
That to me in itself is an achievement because being a human that has dyslexia we can find writing and other things a little more intimidating than others , but it does not mean we can not do them, we just work a little differently.
You see what I’m getting at here – each decision we make leads us onto the next and a step closer to our purpose or place.

I recently wrote about feeling the need for approval and working hard to show that I am worthy. This way of thinking stems from my upbringing and it is literally sewn into me, that doesn’t mean I’m going to allow it to control me, fuck that shit.

For years especially after childbirth I have been self depreciating to the MAX, self acceptance is not a concept that I am familiar with at all, I may come across as quietly confident but i too have my demons. For a really long time I haven’t liked what I see when I look in the mirror and i forever find myself staring at other yummy mummys thinking damnnnnnn i wish i looked like her.

I’ve felt uncomfortable in clothes and have disliked how I look in pictures with family or friends. All the while I would look around and wonder why other people didn’t seem to feel like this, so why did I? Well. I’m not sure if I have found the answer to this or if I’m just being a little kinder to myself but either way I am starting to make the conscious decision to let these feelings wash over me.

This sounds ridiculous but Insta has been a huge game changer for me! Seeing and hearing myself everyday used to make me recoil, the sound of my voice, how much I move my face when I talk, I HATED it. But, as time has gone on this feels much easier for me, my voice doesn’t bother me as much and I’m starting to like myself in pictures just being able to see myself rather than JUDGE myself and now my family think i am the selfie queen which is pretty ironic but it is sometimes the only way i get in on pictures with my little bambinos and i absolutely love the daft snapchat filters with funny voices they make me howl.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I’m some sort of healed/reformed character who is now completely vain,because i am absolutely not, but, what I am saying is that I can now catch myself mid thought and I remind myself that we all have the same doubts and that i don’t actually look that bad and in fact i look pretty damnnnnn too.

It’s okay to self doubt, but it shouldn’t rule your life. I refuse to let it rule my life. Some days are easier than others granted – currently I’m a few pounds heavier post Christmas and I’m feeling a bit gross to be honest (fuck you after eights) but i’m back at the gym and lifting weights (check me).

In the past usually I would constantly talk about how I look awful and chubby, blah blah and that my friends shouldn’t worry because i was the grosse one. But honestly through working on my mindset and deciding to embrace myself I can see past it and i don’t bad mouth myself anymore. I’ve found people do that enough for you who needs extra critique, a few pounds are easily lost and in somebody else’s eyes I am still thin, beautiful and funny.

The BIGGEST lesson that I have learned by FAR is that nobody views you or judges you like you do yourself. If I’m having a bad hair day, someone will compliment my hair and remind me to be kinder to myself.
On the days where I think my jeans look tight and i feel massively fat because i’m not the size 8 i use to be my dad/mum or a friend will comment that I’m looking trim and remind me to be kinder to myself. If I’m feeling drab my husband will tell me that I’m beautiful or my dad will personal train my arse to the gym so i feel better about myself.

I constantly remind myself to be Kinder to MYSELF. I’m almost 30 give or take a few months and my body has grown and birthed two humans, worked god knows how many hours, been through trials and tribulations, had heartbreaks and been loved and had a lot of fun. It’s not perfect, I don’t always like it. But. It’s the only one that I have got and I am FINALLY allowing myself to embrace my body, to be comfortable in my own skin and allow myself to just be enough.

Be true to yourself, be real, be happy and fuck the haters and the negative jibes and thoughts we all deserve kindness and we all need to be a little kinder to ourselves and to others around us.

MAMA SNOWBEAR

Mother of 2,Artist ,creator,blogger and illustrator who enjoys lots of tea and the occasional glass of malbec :)

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