Step mumming aint easy

SassyB - 26 Feb 18

Last year I commented on a news story about Jacqueline Jossa defending herself against an internet troll who criticised her only ever sharing pics of her daughter, not of her stepson. Recently, after joining Instagram (yes, I know I’m late to the party) it popped back into my mind because I’m acutely aware that I do the same. She basically told the person to do one and not comment on things they don’t understand, and I completely agreed with her.

Despite claiming in my bio that I’m “mum to one, step mum to another” I write mostly about what it’s like being a first-time mum. A mum to a toddler. A working mum. A mum on the edge. My (new) Instagram is pretty much a shrine to the two-year old and my stepdaughter is rarely photographed or mentioned. My point is, I write and post about being a mum and never about being a step mum.

It’s not because I don’t love my step daughter. It’s not because she isn’t an enormous part of my life. It’s not because she doesn’t give me stories to tell and photos to share, or drive me just as bonkers as the smaller one, but it’s because she isn’t mine. It’s the truth and no matter how you try to spin it (I’m looking at you Clintons and your “you’re like a mum to me” cards) she’s not mine and never will be. It’s out of respect for her actual parents that I don’t blast her all over the internet. Her image, her personality, her little life were all created by someone else and it’s not mine to share.

That said, she IS an enormous part of my life and not addressing the fact that I am step mum kind of flies in the face of what I’m trying to achieve through writing about my parenting journey (vom – I hate that phrase). And let’s face it, there’s not a lot to say about living with a toddler that hasn’t already been said. It’s hard work. But you know what? Step mumming aint any easier. It’s having all the same responsibility and far fewer rewards – they don’t call for you in the middle of the night (be thankful for small mercies) and they don’t want you when they’re poorly. You’re not their best friend or hero like you are to your own – when they’re small at least. Whether they mean to or not they compare their other ‘life’ with the one they have with you and somehow you always come out feeling inadequate, like you should be doing more. As a step parent, you don’t have any rightful influence over the big events but you still have to live with the consequences. We have my step daughter 50% of the time so where she goes to school affects me; what extra-curricular activities she does affects me; who she’s friends with and what her favourite foods are – it all affects me.

You have to be on your best behaviour a lot of the time. I can call my own child a dick without a second thought but someone else’s? Well, yes, I do but you shouldn’t really (don’t panic, we don’t do it to her face.) And you don’t have an inbuilt love for them like you do with your own. It’s different, because you choose to love them and you can’t help but hope they’ll learn to love you back. And scarily, they don’t have to if they don’t want to. Just the same as any other person you meet.

Sometimes, it’s shit. Sometimes, I’d like to have it easier. Sometimes, I want to make a decision without having to factor another person in when they’re not even physically present. But mostly, it puts me in a really privileged position.

Someone else has chosen to trust me with their child. Someone else loves me enough to let me into their family. Now I have my own child, I can only imagine the strength it took for my other half to take that step. It’s hard enough leaving your kids at nursery with strangers, never mind introducing someone to them that you might spend the rest of your life with. And ultimately, what would my life really be without my step daughter? I fell in love with my other half because of her, not in spite of her. Having a child shapes and bends you and, while my other half is a pretty good egg overall, I’m certain there are elements of him that have been made even better by being a dad. Let’s face it, my little boy wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her because I never wanted children before becoming a part of her and her dad’s life. But when you have access to a walking, talking, fully reared child that you can give back, it doesn’t seem that hard. How little I knew then…

Best of all, as a step parent you have a freedom that you don’t get with your own child. I can look at situations without the history and emotion that’s tied into her and her dad’s relationship and try to put a different perspective on things. We’ve set the same rules and boundaries for her and for the toddler and I have no problem enforcing them but I hope as she gets older I’ll be the one that she can turn to, without fear or embarrassment, when she feels that she can’t speak to her mum or dad. At the very worst, I can help to subtly shape and influence her in line with what her parents want for her. At best, I can take every opportunity to show her that I’ll never want anything different for her than I’d want for my own children – even though she’s not.

SassyB

Mum to one and step-mum to another, working and living in the Midlands. I used to write about other people, now I'm trying my hand at writing about myself. Pretty much only had a baby so I could dress someone up in a costume at least once a week...

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