Stepmum burnout, the secret nobody tells you about

Veronika Durham - 28 Feb 19

I knew that being a step-mum wouldn’t be easy, I’ll have to deal with upsets, jealousy, confusion, but I never thought I could hit rock bottom. I probably had a few burnouts before, but I blamed myself for over-reacting.

What is the step-mum burnout?

It’s the point when you can’t and don’t want to deal with his baggage anymore. You feel like you’re done with pretending, pleasing, helping and being nice. You feel alone, tired, used, sad, empty and not yourself. You start questing your relationship and start asking yourself if this is all worth it and what the hell are you doing here. These thoughts are so scary and make you feel even more miserable.

Where things go wrong

1. Doing way too much for too long just not to make a mistake

You want to be the perfect step-mum, you don’t want to make any mistakes or be the Evil step-mother. All the cooking, playing, activities, co-patenting, charts, Googling Do’s and Don’ts for step-parents, just to look good and not to upset anyone. You’re scared to cross the line or that your stepchild will say something about you that can be twisted, misunderstood or used against you.  So, you’re tiptoeing and zipping your mouth because you know if something goes wrong, you’ll be the first person to blame. You know he’ll always choose his child over you.  And the only way is to be perfect and pretend everything is perfect.

My tip: Take one big ass step back! Stop running around them all the time to prove yourself. As long they love you and respect you, you’re good so give yourself a day off. Don’t be scared of something which is not even happening.

2. Men are from a nutcase planet without Google or Pinterest

How many days have you spend online to find out what to do as a step-mum? How many articles have you read on blended families? How many boards do you have on Pinterest with kids stuff even if you don’t have kids yourself? Way too much just like me!

What really upset me was realising that my husband never looked deep into what things are like for me by himself. It’s something that men don’t think about. They don’t Google these things, they think all is hunky dory until you lose your sh**. Like it or not, it’s your responsibility to let him know how you feel before you reach your limits.

I’ve been “managing” my husband for four years to be the father he is today. He created a strong and loving relationship with his daughter with my help and support, now it’s up to him to maintain it.

My tip: Take one more massive step back! Once again, he’s the father let him to do it all (well almost all), only then will he realise how much you’re doing for him and the kids.

3. Guilt of ‘I don’t care’

Taking a step back always comes with guilt because you got used to being in charge a little or even completely, you think that without you everything will collapse, they will burn the house down, eat crappy food and who knows what else.

Stepping back is not about not caring anymore, it’s about letting your man to be the all-inclusive father. I learnt the hard way that my husband knows in back of his mind that I’m always there ready to correct, remind, teach and to help so he’s not fully present. I’m not going to lie, it’s very hard to step back but I know I need to do it, it’s not my battle. I’m a part of it and ready to support and help when he needs no when I think he needs. And I can guarantee you he doesn’t need you as much as you think.

My tip: Think before you speak and let him make mistakes and learn from them. Explain what is going on and that you’re need to take it easy from now on and find the right balance together. Something that will work for everyone.

The only way not to get tired of being a step-mum is learning how to step back and communicate with your partner.

Veronika Durham

Step(in)Mum Life & Relationship coach Wife & step mum Breaking Stigma of 2nd Wife, Stepmum & Single dad Dealing with his baggage

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