Claire Kirby - 14 Jan 20

Mummy sits on the family settee With her backup plan man and her feral children three. She jumps up quickly as she recalls a job, Mummy, oh Mummy, you must clean the hob! Mummy enters the kitchen, “The hob’s just the start! The worktops still sticky from the kids pop tarts. I’ll clean it, and scrub it, and sweep it- and then, I’ll clean it, and scrub it,and sweep it again. I’m not a cleaner! Why can’t you see,

I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,

I’M MUMMY, that’s me, And I want to go back to the family settee!” A Child says: “Mummy I need you in here.” Mummy is like glue to which the children adhere. She sets off for the settee with a hop and a twirl. Mummy, oh Mummy, beware of the girl! “A Poo! cries the girl with a smile on her face. Judging by the smell, it’s a serious case! “Ok, I’ve got this, now lay on the floor, Pass me the wipes – no, I’m going to need more!” “I’m not a zoo keeper! Why can’t you see,

I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,

I’M MUMMY, that’s me, And I want to go back to the family settee!” Mummy is moaning. It falls on deaf ears. Mummy, oh Mummy beware of the tears! “My toy” shouts the boy. “Now give it right back!” He snatches from his brother and gives him a whack. “I’m not a referee! Why can’t you see,

I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,

I’M MUMMY, that’s me, And I want to go back to the family settee!” The kids are separated and Mummy is free. She contemplates a bath and a hot cup of tea! She dreams of Ryan Gos in the bubbly bath, When an uninvited guest wakes her with a laugh. In jumps a child without removing his clothes. Mummy, oh Mummy beware of those toes! “Squishy!” yells the child as he climbs on her tummy! “Hooray! I’m going to bounce on you Mummy.”

“I’m not a trampoline for you to jump, Or a frame to climb, or a drum to thump. I’m not a chef, I’m not a mule, I’m not google, or a fool – no, I’m…” Mummy, oh Mummy, beware of the letter! Here comes a boy with news from his class, “I need to be an evacuee!” he says with a laugh. “I’m not a seamstress! Why can’t you see,

I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,

I’M MUMMY, that’s me! Will I ever sit down on the family settee?” Mummy feels poorly, she starts to fret. Mummy is shivering and covered in sweat. Mummy is tired, and feeling distressed. Daddy sends her to bed and tells her to rest. She can’t hear the hoover, or the washing machine, Or Daddy saying, “Kids, lets work as a team!”   Mummy is lying asleep in the bed. The kids are quiet because they’re being fed. She dreams of her kids and her backup plan man, Then suddenly wakes. What’s that light by the fan? The light comes closer, it’s so very bright. It really is the most beautiful sight. A fairy? A fairy? Could it really be? “Don’t worry!” cries the fairy. “I’ll soon set you free.” A twitch of her wand and a flurry of sprinkles, The laundry is folded with barely a wrinkle. A few magic words, and the beds are all made The toys are away, and the table is laid. “Fairy, oh fairy you excellent friend! Thanks! Thanks a million! Thanks without end!”   Then Mummy awakes it was all just a dream, But wait, the house is all tidy and clean. It didn’t take fairy dust or make believe, It just took a Mummy down on her knees. Backup plan man’s lonely. The children are glum. The movie’s not the same without their lovely Mum. They fidget and wriggle on the family settee. But what is that vision before them they see? Someone is walking in through the door. Is it a bird, or a bat, or a boar? Or could it… yes, could it just possibly be…

I’m Mummy, I’m Mummy,

I’M MUMMY, that’s me! And I’m sitting right here on the family settee.”    

Illustrations by Morgan Prince