Struggling with the juggling

Lauren Derrett - 28 May 20

It seems when we want to have a moan about our children and partners we have to prefix it with ‘I love them, but’, I won’t do that, by the very fact, I’m still here enduring what often feels like punishment, proves my love for these people. 

Lockdown ‘love’ is proving even more of a challenge than plain old regular love, it is requiring far more lip biting and patience than ever needed before,  I’m not sure how much longer I can convince myself that it’s love that I feel for any of my household

This morning, I got up after my husband, I went downstairs, he was already at his desk, I went into the kitchen, the coffee was in the percolator, the water for the coffee half-filled on the side, a puddle of coffee granules spilled on the floor, last nights washing up in the sink.

I ask the husband about the puddle of granules, he said ‘I was going to get the hoover’,  I said ‘you could have used the dustpan and brush right there’ he said ‘yea, I did some with that but was going to get the hoover later’. 

Now, is it just me, or when cleaning some of it up with a dustpan and brush he could have just cleaned it all up?

I let it go, it was only 8am, we had a lot of day to get through, I’ve gotta make this day great, if not great, bearable

I’m now stood at the sink, washing up the curry pot, and I kid you not, the man comes into the kitchen, opens the cupboard below me, reaches in and pulls out a cloth to clean his laptop screen

For some context, I run my own business, he runs his business, our business’ require us both to work full-time, we have a 20-year-old who only leaves his room for food, a 16-year-old who only leaves her room when she wants full-on undivided attention from me, and an 8-year-old who is spending way too much time on his switch, the load feels pretty heavy on me, but for my husband, he’ll clean up the coffee later 

I can’t tell if I’m just envious of his blasé attitude to the necessary mundane, or angry at myself because I’m not?

This is how I envisage we process the same thought….

Him – Oh I’ll clear that up/ wash that up later, I have work to do

Me – If that doesn’t get cleaned up now it’ll get walked through the house and we’ll have coffee stains on the carpet, actually, the carpets could probs do with a clean I wonder when can I schedule in a Vax wash in.  I’ll think about while I wash up this sink full of stuff so we have plates for lunch.  I really must fit in the work that I need to do, I’ll probs have to work late because I’ll have to entertain the kid for a few hours so he gets a break from crafting mines

I know these times are strange and I know I’m blessed to have a family and coffee and curry but bloody hell, it’s all a bit much isn’t it being the one who has to have all the foresight, I’ve become a manager of all situations, all the members of my household say to me (when I’m kicking off monumental) ‘all you have to do is tell us what you want us to do and we’ll do it’, perfect, but firstly that requires motivation and right now I can barely motivate myself to get dressed and secondly, why the fu*k should I have to?

I don’t want to ask and moan and nag and motivate the masses, I want them to see the coffee on the floor and the washing up in the sink,  I don’t want to organise another pissing family meal or ‘fun’ activity to tear the kid away from the thing he loves doing the most, I want this bloody lockdown to be over so that I get a break from these people and this house, we were never meant to be together this intensely for this long, and boy am I feeling that today.

Lauren Derrett

I'm Lauren, Founder of Wear 'em Out, reusable period pads for the empowered eco-curious. Mother of 4, Step-Mother of 2, I've been parenting for 24 years so have seen and learned a lot of stuff

View profile for posts, events and more info