The Daily Fail: A Mummy’s Morning.

Nina Austen - 15 Oct 17

Rising at 6.30am to the delightful tones of well rested and harmonious children, most Mums spring from their beds with enthusiasm and an ardent will to start the day well. Choosing an outfit and ensemble for this vital and time restricted journey poses the most difficult of challenges for busy Mums all over the country.

Choosing between an immaculately ironed Joules Breton striped top and form-fitting chinos, or a crumpled but clean 5-year-old checked shirt and thinning leggings poses the first conundrum of the day. As most women know, flaunting their pins and accentuating their assets is the pinnacle of femininity, and so it is vital that Mums make the right choice not for them, but for society as a whole.

Having served a winning breakfast of organic porridge in an Emma Bridgewater breakfast bowl, or coco pops in a faded melamine Peppa Pig bowl, Mums embark on the difficult but necessary task of dressing their little treasures in the most fashion-forward uniforms, consisting of:

• a pressed white shirt (hung to dry sopping wet to avoid creases and ironing)
• an olive green sweatshirt (starting the year bright and ending the colour of snot)
• starched black trousers (if the Mum in question knows what starching is… ?!?)

Stealing five minutes during the daily teeth brushing battle, Mums apply as much makeup as possible to highlight their glowing complexion, except those who take this much needed time to pee and collect various items of discarded nightwear from around the house.

Hair crafting is also a must during this brief but vital interlude, and most Mums opt to keep their greying locks tied back in a high ponytail, perhaps anticipating breezy conditions. In a recent survey, 15% of Mums described the importance of a cultured ‘do,’ whereas the remaining 85% claimed to have not washed their hair for 4 days, relying on kirbigrips and Batiste dry shampoo to smooth their tresses.

The modern Mother layers well before leaving the house, sometimes forgetting about the many items that are necessary to carry during the school run. Fading black ankle boots complete the city-chic look. And adding a splash of colour, Mum’s everywhere carry a red mini micro scooter, adding vibrancy and contemporary style. The bright colours of this vital item of leisure equipment ensure Mum’s eye bags pop and highlight the lack of contouring not even attempted during the morning rush.

Always a slave to fashion, large raincoats with huge pockets are dismissed in favour of form-fitting autumnal macs, cinched in at the waist. This can make for a slightly sweaty walk when carrying a book bag, scooter, helmet, afternoon snack in inappropriate Tupperware, water bottle and child-sized raincoat. But worth the sweat, as looking your best as a woman should always be the main priority. Should the temperature become too much, Mums can open the top few buttons to reveal decolletage, with an ample chest threatening to spill out at any moment. Especially during moments when meeting new teachers or fellow parents, where modesty is usually required.

Most Mums return from the school run refreshed and ready to start their day. They immediately change, donning activewear and quickly hitting the gym. Now is the time to work on their figures to allow the more ‘traditional’ members of society to find pleasure in someone else’s body conforming to a stereotype. It’s inexcusable to use this time to clean, tidy or heaven forbid – rest and eat Kit Kats.

A Mum of two, Mrs Gaa Gaa Land from the South East, was overheard telling fellow Mums that she lives for mornings and is always striving to improve her routine and appearance. Articles such as this one, written by respected institutions such as the Daily Mail, only relieve the pressure put on women everywhere to reach a standard some call ‘ridiculous.’

For growing a human, feeding that human, keeping them safe and well and getting them to school on time is not enough. Women should also look like Gigi Hadid and dress like they have an abundance of money.  How they look to others is always key, even if they are happy with their aging face and slightly curvy body.

Except it’s not. It’s what you think and feel, not how you look. It’s how you treat others, not how well you wear Boden. It’s what is in your heart, not the size of your arse. 

 Thank you, Daily Mail. Without your guidance, our confidence would be at an all-time high. Your assessment of the female frame, what we wear and how we conduct ourselves in public is not only bollocks but worrying for our children and their future.

Next time you pen an article like this, have a word with yourselves, and f*ck right off. 

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Nina Austen

Gaa Gaa Land is a collection of ramblings from a stay at home mum of two. Although said ramblings might veer into the serious from time to time, this blog is largely satire. GGL uses humour, irony and exaggeration to amplify this crazy parenting ride, but everything is from real life. It’s all true. Even the embarrassing bits. N is in her mid late thirties and enjoys writing, F1, early 2000’s UK Gladiators, picking play doh out of her hair, cooking, Game of Thrones, stationary, innuendo and swearing. She loves her kids, husband, friends, the Dalai Lama, Bjork and is partial to a Cliff Richard calendar (classic examples of brilliance – 1996 and 2010). She also thinks it’s weird writing in the third person.

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