The death of ‘self’ no-one told me about

Jo Lawlor - 18 Apr 18

During my pregnancy I felt so prepared, and excited at the little life growing inside my belly. My planning list (love a good list) was long, and I smugly said to myself “you got this mama!”.

Pregnancy supplements-“check”, stretch mark cream-“check”, nursery done-“check”,  nappies-“check”, pre-natal classes-“check”, blog searches and forums read-“check”, birth plan-“check”……. okay I’ll stop now! What I wasn’t prepared for what was to come after I was initiated into the largest club of women in the world; Motherhood…

My beautiful daughter is now 5…(going on 15). It’s only now I feel I can share, and come to terms with, what happened to me after becoming a Mother: the huge loss of sense of self. It took a while to surface, amidst the cloud of sleep deprivation and post-natal depression that took it’s toll over the years,when I turned into a woman I no longer recognised.  I’m not sure when I really noticed that my old self had died, but do I remember waking up one day and asking the woman in the mirror “who the hell are YOU?!”-“no reply”.

Whilst I wouldn’t change anything for the world, being a Mother has changed the very essence of my being. My daughter challenges me everyday to take a good hard look at myself, she pushes me to the brink at times (especially after 3 dress changes before we leave the house!), she makes my heart feel like it will burst any minute with the huge amount of LOVE I feel for her, and also holds me accountable when I feel like I am failing (and winging it) on a daily basis.  She pushes me to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better woman, hell-a better human…but to be honest I don’t know who that bloody person in the mirror is anymore!

I find it quite sad that no-one tells you about this profound change before you become a Mother.  Yes you hear “oh your life will never be the same again”, but they don’t ever really say “be prepared for the grief”- the grief from the daily sacrifice and surrender you have to embrace, the loss of independence, the loss of career, the loss of income, the loss of relationship with your partner, the loss of energy, (and yes-the loss of libido), the loss of body image;and ultimately the loss of self. Oh yes, and the loss of your keys on a daily basis (or am I the only one who does that?).

This grief can hit you like a ton of bricks when the sleepless nights are over (well mostly), and the little people start school, and you are left with a choice: to either embrace who you are NOW, or mourn for the loss of the woman you were and try to find a way back to her.  The truth is that I don’t think you ever find her, I think she has vanished into the night, returning with the new day as a kick-ass Butterfly-transformed and re-born.  So as I sign off, it’s time for me to go and start a new relationship….with the new woman in my life: ME.

To all you Mother butterflies out there: keep flying, you rock!

Jo Lawlor

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