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The Grapes of Wrath, and Other Tales of Woe…
Labouring Under Misapprehensions
It’s no secret that when you get pregnant there are some pretty significant changes that take place in your body. Apart from the obvious small human growing within, there are many commonly known side effects of getting knocked up.
I’m fine with this. Most of it is true, at least in part. Most of us experience at least some of these at some point during our pregnancy.
The
Even the obvious negatives often get sweetened in the telling:- ”Morning sickness? Lots of ginger, and peppermint tea will make it all ok. You should eat little and often. Here, have another hobnob.” … ”Puffy ankles? Poor you, pop your feet up on the couch for a bit.”
Before I got pregnant it sounded like it was going to be 9 months of being pampered, told to
Sounds like a frigging dream! I want to be pregnant forever if this is what happens.
Shhhh….
But what no-one really tells you about is all the grotty, embarrassing, sometimes pretty painful stuff that will inevitably occur somewhere along the way. Plus, no-one tells you about all the changes that you get stuck with – the bits that DON’T CHANGE BACK once you’ve
Unless confiding in forums and Mum’s groups, lots of us have had to put up with all manner of shitty symptoms in relative silence. Mortified about our rank bits, and not wanting anyone to know.
Well… I’m calling bullshit.
I mean, its pretty much false advertising isn’t it? If we keep on telling Mums-to-be how fluffy and wonderful everything’s going to be it’s inevitably going to come as quite a shock when things turn out the way they tend to. Shouldn’t we be upfront about the grot and horror?
Perhaps if we lost the self
The Truth About What Happens To Your Body When You’ve Had A Baby – As Told, Truthfully, By Mums
Those of you who are already members of The Mum Conundrum facebook group will possibly remember that, a month or so ago, I mentioned that I was in bed recovering from what I vaguely termed ’an operation’, the result of
In the midst of my aforementioned post-op delirium I realised that between having three babies and my most recent medical intervention, I had altogether left my dignity at the door.
Christ, It wasn’t even at the door. It might have been at the door after having my babies… Now it had pegged it several miles down the road, and was in a pub downing pints and challenging Dave the Barman to a pool contest, winner buys the next
It was at this point that I resolved to write this post – resolutely and with zero shame and blushes.
You see; my medical woes were entirely rooted in the changes that happened to my body through my pregnancies. And in all honesty, if it hadn’t been for my own personal awkwardness and embarrassment about my baby related side-effects I could have saved myself a world of pain.
With this in mind I spoke with friends, some fellow Mum Bloggers, and asked around in several Mum Groups. I wanted to find out what other people’s experiences
None of it was pretty, but all of it was truthful. And lots of women had lots of stories to tell.
So without further ado, here’s the truth about post-baby bodies, in all their imperfect glory.
The Grapes of Wrath
Piles. Rrhoids. Bum Knuckles. Sounds funny, but dear God I have never known any pain like it. These little bastards first made an appearance during my second pregnancy. The pressure of the baby’s head
They chilled out a bit once my son was born, but I’d still get flare-ups, I sort of pretended it wasn’t happening (except when it most definitely was happening and I was howling in pain.) But once I got preggo again with my youngest daughter things really got ugly.
At one point I waddled up to the Doctor’s, heavily pregnant and with two small children in tow, and tearfully begged them to do something to help soothe the pain.
The Doc examined my bumhole,
Moreover, once I’d had her, they stayed. FOR GOOD. When at their worst I’d be unable to walk and on the brink of tears for weeks at a time.
Reluctantly I accepted that I had to do something about it, which is what led me down the route of the op. A circular-stapled hemorrhoidectomy procedure, to be precise. Laughably touted as a new ’pain-free’
If I ever meet the person who named it thus, I will cheerfully kick them in the arsehole for a couple of hours and see how they fucking like it.
The worst part about this story is that, if I’d got over the whole embarrassment thing I could have had treatment sooner, when they were less spectacular in size and number, and avoided this hardcore op completely. Dozens of the Mums that I asked had been plagued by Farmer Giles through pregnancy and beyond.
Don’t be shy about your bum, ladies. Look after your
Other Tales Of Woe:
And it turns out that sore bums are just the tip of the post-baby iceberg. Don’t take my word for it, Here are some of the other weird things that have happened to other Mums:-
”My boobs are f*cked. They’re big anyway but I need serious help after breastfeeding two – all the ’meat’ has vacated the top of them. Getting a bra that makes me look un-geriatric is IMPOSSIBLE as try as I might there’s always that hideous top to side gap and horrid fold jive
”My hair changed completely after I had my first baby. I started out like Farah Fawcett, all shiny and full-bodied, and ended up more like Ken Dodd” ~ Lucy
”My feet grew too. Half a size when I had my daughter and half a size when I had my son! I also have never needed fillings in my teeth except once after having my daughter and once after having my son.” ~ Star from Kids On Tour
”My first daughter ripped me a tail downstairs… I need to get it fixed really…”
”I got shorter by 2.5cm. Only found out as I changed surgery and they took my measurements again. I couldn’t believe it until I compared it with the ones taken at my booking appointment.” ~ Victoria from The Growing Mum
”Anal Fissure – That was nice” ~ Laura
”I developed severe PMS after I finished breastfeeding which has been horrendous. My hormones just never seemed to balance out and I would have migraines, feel depressed, have period symptoms for two weeks before I bled, bloat, feel anxious and angry etc.” ~ Emma
”I swear my ribs never went back to their original place! My babies were so big they’ve stretched my rib cage.” ~ Alana from babyholiday.co.uk
”Sneezing in public now scares me.” ~ Stevie
”A permanent reminder that I had a baby is my ’chef’s apron’ overhang after my C-section, reminding me that I cooked up my little biscuit in my tummy for 9 months. Shame she never turned though and had to be born through my tummy.” ~ Victoria from Fabulous Mummy
”I still get little bits of dried milk bits come out of my
”My thyroid broke! I was super skinny after giving birth, then I got fat & tired AFTER pregnancy. Typical!” ~ Sarah from Mumzilla
…So there you have it: Bigger feet, thinner hair, sore bums, leaky boobs, weak bladders, buggered thyroids, tattered undercarriages, and all sorts in between. There were a load more examples I could have used, but this blog post would have turned into an encyclopedia
My advice? Be out and proud! Don’t be embarrassed about it. Other Mums get it, we all understand.
If you think about it, it would be kind of weird if your body underwent such a radical process and didn’t change as a result. You’d have to be like the Terminator from Terminator 2… Bodies do weird stuff. It’s normal. You’re normal. But if it hurts, or really bothers you, go and get it seen to.
Believe me when I tell you that Doctors see weirder, grosser shit than yours all the time!
Look after yourselves
Big love, Kate x
If you liked this post, you might like some of my other blogs too, especially this one about getting back into shape after having a baby. I write a fair bit of Mum Life stuff, and I also review the best of the net on different topics from time to time, which is super handy and a massive time saver if you can’t be arsed to spend hours Googling stuff trying to find the info you need.
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