The Secret Sign of The Motherhood

Jo Adamson-Parker - 5 Sep 18

Being a mum, or a dad, it’s a tough job isn’t it and sometimes it’s also a lonely and isolating one.

I read a blog recently about the loneliness of the SEN parent and it really hit home with me. Whilst I have a group of amazing, supportive ‘Mum friends’ some days I can still feel isolated. Some days I feel consumed by my world, by Bubba’s world and the challenges it brings and now with Squeaks GDD diagnosis, my experience of parenting will always be a SEN one.

I’m not complaining, my boys are my world, but we’re different. Our family is different to most of my friends families and we have different challenges to them. Ones that potentially won’t be grown out of but can be managed. It means that we don’t really socialise, it’s tricky as Bubba would be too full on.

Friends say they’re fine with it, ‘he’d be ok, he could play, sit and colour…’ They’ve not experienced Bubba for a couple of hours. He wouldn’t play without getting unregulated, he wouldn’t just sit and colour, he wouldn’t just sit and read, and don’t even think about suggesting playing a game with others! I’d be stressed, The Wife would be stressed, Squeak would wreck the place and then eat all their food! Sometimes, as much as I want to, socialising just isn’t worth the stress!

This morning though I realised that I’m part of something much bigger than I thought.

First day back at school and Bubba was bound to be anxious. He was tired, he was grumpy but me singing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ very loudly seemed to pull him out of his mood (more on my special singing ‘talent’ another time!) Last term he had a ‘habit’. Every morning as soon as we got to a certain point on our walk to school he would punch me. It didn’t matter what mood he was in, what had previously happened, every morning I came to expect the fist in the small of my back. Same spot every day. No co-incidence then that I’m now being treated for a back injury.

I’ve spoken about his physical aggression towards me before and some people have said ‘I wouldn’t let my child hit me’, or ‘well it’s your own fault for letting him’. It’s not as simple as that.  It’s not necessarily about anger directed at me, his thinking and his actions are much more complex.

All Summer there’s been none of this. Yes I’ve had the occasional punch on the arm or he’ll twist my fingers to try and get a reaction. He’s suffered early trauma so he wants me to shout at him, he wants me to hit him, to hurt him because in his mind he’s not worthy of my love.  All these things he wants me to do I don’t and sometimes that makes him angrier and more frustrated.

This morning I was aware of it but Its not happened for seven weeks so I thought we’d broken the cycle. He’d been chatty and calm on the way, gentle with Squeak and playful so maybe, just maybe he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t hit me. He knows about my back, he knows I’m in constant pain so maybe it won’t happen. But as we got to the usual place there it was. His arm came up.

It’s like an OCD that he has to do. I saw it coming and turned to face him and very calmly explained that I know he feels he has to hit me here every morning. I know he feels he has to do something, but could we try something different. Could we maybe instead of punching Mummy could we try singing? Could we try a dance? Could we tell each other a joke? This was something his SENCO at school had suggested – replacing the action with an alternative.. I thought it was a really good idea and worth a try

Nope. He went ballistic. He changed from the caring little boy who just that morning had told me to sit down whilst he brought me my ice pack into something more complex. There was fury on his face ‘I was mean, I was being mean, why was I doing this?’ (I do love his irony sometimes!) So considering I also had Squeak on the end of his ‘lead’, I held Bubba in a safe hold whilst he calmed down.

Now this is the point of my writing today, it’s not about my challenges or Bubba’s actions it’s about me being part of something, being part of something rather special actually and membership is open to all. It’s about being a part of this massive group of women called ‘Mums’, it’s ‘The Motherhood’! They all have their challenges, they all have their bad days and yet can take a moment to recognise when another Mum needs them.

It can be the smallest, easiest thing to do, give another Mum a look of solidarity – we got it on holiday. Yes we got the disapproving looks or the stunned reactions at a meltdown, but we also got the looks that said ‘yep, I’ve been there’, ‘hang on in’.  For me getting this look from a stranger is like a secret hug – ‘the secret sign of motherhood’. In the midst of feeling tired and useless, they give me the strength to push through that moment.

Today I had a moment. A friend crossed the road for me. She’s known Bubba since he was placed with us, she doesn’t really know everything about what we deal with everyday or his early life, but she has two boys, so she gets what being a Mum is. Today she saw us, me holding Bubba and she crossed the road, with her buggy, to distract him. To get me through a tricky moment. To her what she did might have felt like nothing but to me it was everything.

It showed me that others have my back. When the new term is stretching out ahead and on the first day of it I’m already drained and in pain, I know I can get through it because of other Mums.  I kind of feel like we’re all superheroes in this special tribe and we can be there for each other. That gives me strength.

I don’t want to come across all gushy and sickeningly sweet but when you experience isolation and it’s been a long challenging Summer, a connection makes all the difference. The easiest thing in the world to do is offer a friendly smile and show we’re not alone in this.

Thank you Emma

Jo Adamson-Parker

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