Then and Now | Post Partum Rage, Anxiety and Depression

Hayley Blundy - 22 Mar 19

Its 3am, I am drowning again
In a pool of tears, I rage and then
I’m hurting myself, I want to feel pain
To take me away from going insane
I know its not rational and my brain yells stop
But the anger has taken over, its irrational and I’m hot

She continues to cry, I can’t fix it, I’ve tried
I stare in silence, feeling numb, my brain fried
I don’t deserve her, I’d be better off gone
Why did I do this, I got it all wrong
I’m not fit to be a Mother, I don’t know what to do
Things were easier before there were two

I’ve been through the motions and back round again
The feed, the nappy, the rocking and then
My Husband walk in, his face looks fraught
I sit there ashamed and feeling distraught
I utter the words, “I think I need help”
He nods and embraces me, he knows how I’ve felt

The room falls silent, she’s asleep at last
As if she had waited for that moment to pass
I cuddle her close and kiss her head
“I’m sorry, I love you, I’ll get better”, I said
It’s not you, it’s me. A cliché but so true
I always feel like I haven’t got a clue
I don’t know where it came from but it’s not going to beat me
This fear, rage and anger will not defeat me

I will find my calm and stop hurting my arms
I will laugh again and reconnect with friends
I will dance and sing, smile and run
I will remember how it feels to have fun

A year has now passed and what a journey it has been
I made it through the worst and I’m still here to be seen
Support groups, therapy, talking aloud
Sharing my story, though I was less than proud
I am not alone and I am not a freak
I had to take it week by week

I went forwards and backwards, downwards and up
It was painful, frightening, enlightening and messed up
So many like me, struggling in silence
The stigma so strong, as if depression defines us
It’s not a fad or a phase, it will not be erased
But with care, love and patience, more conversations
The fog will lift and set you adrift

This is my story, it’s painful to tell
I have exposed my demons and feel vulnerable as hell
But shame and fear is where depression lives
And this just can’t go on, something has to give
If by sharing my story, just one person is saved
Just one person feels less overwhelmed and ashamed
Just one person sees that this too shall pass
Just one person seeks help, no longer afraid to ask

I want you to know its OK to say
That really and truly you are not OK
There will come time when you find your happy
When your mood is lifted and you feel less snappy
When you come to realise, that your way is best
When you find your own version of success

Only you know your children, only your way is right
I just want to tell you that you’re going to be alright.

Hayley Blundy

Hey! I am a Married, working Mama of two juggling life the best I can! I suffered with PND and started my business Mum Powered Events to celebrate Mothers for all that they are. I'm also a former street dance teacher and run a dance company with my best friend. I could teach you Thriller, if ya like?!

View profile for posts, events and more info