Things I wish I’d known Before Adopting

Jo Adamson-Parker - 16 Oct 18

We all love hindsight don’t we? Oh the things I would have done differently if I’d known. Looking back, I’d never have bought, never mind worn those white jeans or my beige dungarees. I loved those dungarees, but they did make me look like a cross between a children’s presenter and Bob the Builder – I had a day at work where my colleagues kept asking me if I ‘could fix it’!

But looking back to when we were first adopting what would I have liked to have known?

That Post Adoption Depression is a real thing

If I’d known this I wouldn’t have felt so bad about feeling miserable! When we adopted Bubba I suddenly went from working long hours every day at a career I’d built up for over ten years to changing nappies and talking about poo! To say it was a shock is an understatement. I chose to be at home full time with him, it’s what I’d wanted but that didn’t stop me from being unhappy.

I became frustrated with myself for feeling this way when I had everything I’d wanted in this little boy. What was wrong with me?

When you think about it though it’s a massive change and once someone pointed out Post Adoption Depression is a ‘thing’ I felt validated. I wasn’t being pathetic and ungrateful. You’re allowed to feel rubbish, it’s ok!

Read up on or ask your Social Worker about how you might be affected – ‘Compassion Fatigue’, ‘Secondary Trauma’ etc. Adoption doesn’t just happen to the child, your entire family is involved. Hopefully you won’t have to deal with any of these but if you’re informed you know how to spot the signs and get help.

That there’s no such thing as the ‘perfect parent’ – it’s ok to have an off day

Thank God that in the early days I found Sally Donovan! I think her books should be on a pre-adoption reading list!

She tells it how it is. She shows you the realities of living with adopted children, there’s no rose-tinted glasses. I think what I really took from her first book was that it’s ok to have an off day. It’s ok to feel like you’re a rubbish parent . You’re not but you will feel like one.

And also, big one for me – your house doesn’t have to be spotless and tidy, kids make mess! In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter if you don’t clean every day!

To pick my battles

What’s the point in putting yourself through agony over small stuff. If Bubba won’t tidy his room I’m not going to spend half a day getting worked up and frustrated making him. He’ll either do it or he won’t, he’s the one living in the mess, I can just shut his door, I don’t have to see it. Arguing over him washing his hands? Sometimes things just aren’t worth the argument. Don’t get me wrong, the boys have strong boundaries and they know when they’re pushing these but sometimes just stop and think ‘is this actually worth the argument?’ I actually needed this pointing out to me, probably Sally D again!

Not being afraid to ask for help

You might have gathered, this is a hard one for me but have a network, a community and let them help. You’re not a failure because you can’t do everything yourself and actually it’s far more enjoyable doing something with others, particularly where kids are involved! Once you start opening up about the struggles you’re having you’ll be surprised the number of other parents going through similar things.

Seen the benefits of therapeutic parenting earlier

I try not to have regrets, you can’t change things in the past can you, but my regret will be that I didn’t know about Bubba’s AD sooner so I could deal with him therapeutically earlier.

Looking back, some of the ways we did things might have compounded his feelings of loss, fed into his shame. We didn’t realise and parented him like he was a ‘normal toddler’. He needs a more nurturing, gentler way of being parented. That doesn’t mean no boundaries, he has very strong but there’s different ways to implement and enforce these.

I wish I’d not been so blasé and naïve

I remember sitting in our prep-group sessions as we were told about FASD and AD, thinking  ‘Well, I’ll listen to this, but it doesn’t apply to us’. I should have listened more. I should have taken more notice, so I could be prepared because you could find yourself dealing with trauma and not have a clue what to do!

Most children taken into care have been through some form of trauma. They’ll have been affected in some way and just because you give them a safe place and you love them doesn’t mean your life together will be without challenges.

Where to find support when you need it

Again, we were a bit naïve here. We didn’t think we’d have any reason to need support after we adopted and it’s taken three years to get the right support for Bubba. Get ahead of the game. Learn to recognise who can help you, which organisations you can turn to for advice. It’ll save you a lot of wasted time and frustration.

That your story is your own

People will be intrigued by your life, your new son or daughters life and the reason they were taken away from their birth-parents. They might ask the most inappropriate of questions. Only answer what you feel comfortable with. As a general rule, only a very few know the specifics of our boys early life. It’s their story to choose who to tell it to when they’re older.

Don’t be afraid to be blunt, people asking should understand your privacy too.

Your life WILL change

You know it will but you don’t necessarily realise how much. If you’re a couple make sure you’re both on the same page, don’t let the child divide you. Make time as a couple to talk  but also to have fun without the them – we had our second date of the year last Saturday!!

The small but important stuff

I was so glad when a friend pointed out that uneaten Weetabix sets like cement.

Don’t feel pressurised to potty train – do it when they’re ready and it’s a good time for you too – otherwise you may lose your mind, I nearly did!

It’s ok to hate glitter

Get a good nappy bag and always carry wipes, lots of wipes – unless you adopt a teenager then, probably won’t need this..actually still get wipes!

Calpol is your friend again except when adopting a teenager

And look after yourself, ‘The Wife’ will raise her eyebrows at me highlighting this but you will get rundown, a lot of adopters we know, including us got colds as soon as our child moved in. It’ll be hard but take time to look after yourself so you can look after them. See ‘Wife’, I’ve said it, I get it, I’ve learnt!

Jo Adamson-Parker

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