Time to think

lesley cyster - 16 Jan 19

Trauma Parenting

Today I realised that my behaviour was pretty rubbish. Oh gosh that was hard to say.

I have an excuse. We’ve had years of extremely challenging behaviour, constant high alert, confrontation and violence, that starts from the second my son gets up until finally, exhausted he falls asleep.

I’ve realised that my excuse gets even better. I’m physically and mentally exhausted from the constant ups and downs and the never quite knowing what might happen next. The secretly thinking awful thoughts like “do I need to hide the knives?” When he wants conversation and to be close to me and I just want to run away because of all the times when he’s screamed at me and kicked off. How I’m so fed up and worn down from the years of constant contact from school asking “what has happened at home?” and “why is he behaving this way?” When there’s nothing new, it’s just the same behaviour that we’ve had on and off for the last 9 years since we adopted him.

I’ve realised it’s all a crappy excuse. I’ve realised that I’m reacting and judging my son’s behaviour from the outside in. I’m seeing the destruction, the foul language, the verbal and physical abuse as just behaviour that’s disgusting and needs to be punished. I’ve forgotten the compassion, I’ve forgotten the love. I’m forgetting that my son has a hidden disability, that his brain and his emotions are damaged by what he has been through. That no matter what, I cannot take the pain and the hurt away and I cannot undo the damage already done. I’ve realised I’m judging that book by its cover.

I’ve forgotten that the part of his brain that thinks and processes isn’t working, that he can’t process the confusion of the world around him or the way he feels. I’ve realised that I’ve forgotten that his primitive brain has taken over. It’s frantically trying to protect him, flooding his body with Adrenaline, making him react as if threatened. I’ve forgotten that that part of his brain doesn’t think before it acts and just lashes out at whoever is nearest to protect itself.

I’ve realised that I’m pushing him away because I can’t stand to be around him, its too much. I’d forgotten that he’s trying to test me and hurt me because I’m the one that cares for him. That if he pushes me enough, I’ll prove him right with my rejection. That eventually that love bowl the psychologist talked about will be empty. I’d forgotten that he’s trying to hurt me because he feels so bad inside, he has to make others hate him as much as he hates himself. He’s so filled with self-loathing and self-hate it’s consuming him.

It took a while for me to realise what I’m doing. I’m reacting to his behaviour rather than seeing that he is trying to tell me something. I can address my behaviour and I can change it. I can choose how I respond by using my thinking brain to stop me, to remain calm and to prove him wrong. To not use my primitive brain to react emotionally. If I change how I react, I can slowly, change his brain so he realises he’s not in danger. If I show him that I love him with how I act and how I speak then eventually that part of his brain that thinks and processes will finally kick in to help him act rationally.

The problem is that whilst I work on my behaviour and change how I react. I can’t control what everyone else says and does. How they have judged him and reacted instantly. They’ve just seen a boy who has it all, who gets to do it all, and whose behaviour is terrible, so why can’t he just behave? They just see the verbal abuse, the destructive behaviour, the violence and tell him “he should just be punished”. They say “take stuff away”, “stop him from enjoying himself” and “just medicate him that will sort him out”. But then have they thought that their actions are just proving him right.

You have to have joy and love to change self-hate. You have to realise people are there for you, to finally realise that you are safe and that you are loved to take those tiny fairy steps towards self-love. It could take years of hammering home that message. I just hope that he can finally see that he’s loved no matter what. He’s an amazing child; he has such strength to have survived what he has been through. He has such potential, if people would just give him that chance. Try not to judge the behaviour; try to see the reason behind it.

But first we just have to get that part of his brain working so that he can finally see it and feel it. Que mission impossible theme……………………….

lesley cyster

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