To two or not to two that is the question…

Alexandra Rickerby - 10 Nov 17

So…are we going to double our trouble and have another baby?

Another one..a WHOLE OTHER one…another human..another screaming…shitting….demanding…exhausting… not sleeping….wonderful…funny…adoring….magical little person. 

The answer? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. If my husband were answering this same question it would go something like this.

Me: Fancy having another baby? 

Him: Hahahhaha are you mental? Outnumber ourselves? Why would you want to do that? Go through that? No.

Freddie just turned two. One of our friends already has a 3 month old and at least two others are pregnant. It always strikes me how easy the decision to have another baby seems to be for everyone else. I often wonder if it’s us? Are we just finding parenting much harder than everyone we ever meet? Are we a bit shit at parenting and others just automatically get it, get their child more and get how to deal with being a parent better than we do? We had a tough birth, a child who still needs less sleep than should be reasonable for any living creature to be able to exist and my husband was away Monday to Friday for the first 8 months but others have it much tougher and they are seemingly hop skipping and jumping into having a second child.

So why is this such a hard thing to decide?

We are what would be considered older first-time parents – I am 37 and my husband is 40. Could it be we are more used to a way of life that has non baby elements in it and are we more tired than a springy twenty-something? I doubt it. And anyway opposite arguments could apply…get the two done faster as we are older, we are more financially secure now than ever so have fewer worries outside of the day to day ones to hold us back, we wanted to make the sacrifices in our own lives to make way for a new human so willingly gave up a lot of fun just to hang out as a family. Both of us have done the drinking thing….a long long time ago and any chance we get to do anything non-baby exercise is always our first choice. We are both healthy and (relatively) fit.

As you will know if you read my first blog I quit my job at Google to be with Freddie all the time and raise him without doing nursery or childcare that isn’t from a family member. Maybe this decision to be with Fredster almost all of the time is adding to my reluctance to have another one. I am not sure I could give another little bean my whole self without literally breaking and never recovering. There are still days now when I am broken and though I run my own consulting and coaching business on the side I am a Mummy with son 90% of the time. Maybe those who have more time away from their little beans feel more able to take on another one as they are fresher and more excited about seeing their son/daughter as their time is even more precious with them than ours.

I know Mums who absolutely didn’t love the first year of parenting who are already pregnant again. Some took a long time to bond with their child whereas I loved it.. I threw myself in hook, line and sinker and barely came up for air so why the hell am I not saying GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE to nurture and love. I constantly hear women say “hmmm yes we are pregnant again, it was just once,  just one night of unprotected sex..I know…eeek …whoops… WHOOPS???!! What are we 14 and drunk? How does that happen? It blows my mind that as parents people can be that relaxed about bringing another person into the world but it happens all the time and seemingly with an abundance of success and happiness. I have a mix of total admiration for these parents who are so chilled out it just happened and an equal measure of shock. 

I have even stopped myself saying we should do it for Freddie – to give him a sibling to go through life with. I have two siblings and I bloody love them and so that in itself should surely be pushing me towards breeding again. So why isn’t it?

At a 2nd birthday party recently I met a mum who had 2. One was 2 and one was 6 months old and the first words out of her mouth were “don’t do it. Enjoy having one..of course, we love both of our children (this is always what people say with two or three) BUT don’t do it.” Other parents I meet with two children somehow want you to join their club even if they have spent the last 5 minutes saying how hard it is and how they wished they had only had one. Honest people seem mostly say its amazing and bloody hard and those dishonest say its soooooo incredible and how selfish we would be not to give Freddie a brother or sister. 

There is, of course, no right or wrong answer to this. There is only ever YOUR answer. Our reasons and are needs are all unique as are our family set up. I still find myself wanting to know the secret though..wanting to know how this became an easy decision for you or if it was a hard decision what swung it for you.

Mums and Dads with 8 kids, with a dozen, with 3 kids or with 1 you are free to choose what you want to do when it comes to number of children. I just wish there was a way I could be sure one way or the other. If you know how I can encourage such an epiphany PLEASE let me know. I would love to get to an answer so I can stop the noisy little elves in my head constantly rowing to two or not to two!

Please do comment or email me so I can try to help myself (!) and others in another blog in the future.

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Alexandra Rickerby

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