It made me think of all the things I wished I’d said and still wish I had the courage to say to ALL those annoying, rude and downright outrageous things people say. Here are just a few of them.

He doesn’t sleep? Have you tried formula?

No..I really love that he doesn’t sleep. In fact being sleep deprived is my most favourite thing. OF COURSE I HAVE. It made no difference on any of the 569000 times we tried it. And in a recent study there was no evidence whatsoever that it works in the way everyone preaches it does. It may have worked for you…great but don’t preach it to me like it is science fact.

So…when are you having baby number two? I think it is selfish to only have one child don’t you?

Ha – no I don’t. I think that the trauma of our birth and the time my son spent in Intensive Care are enough to put any parent off having another baby. I think the 11 months of pain in my vagina and around my rectum are another reason not to go through that again. And having been an only child I can safely reassure you that my mothers’ actions were not at all selfish.

Oh, (accompanied by distressed look on their face) you are not sending your child to nursery? Aren’t you worried about him not learning how to be social? 

No. And do you know why?

1. Because nurseries, as we have them today, are a modern phenomenon born out of a national obsession for us to earn money in order for us to be deemed to have a value. Frankly, I think its bulls*it that as parents we have to choose between earning and being at home with our kids.

2. Millions of grown adults currently socialising in the world never attended a nursery …ever.

3. Can you spot your friends who did and didn’t attend a nursery by how social they are? No, of course not.

4. Even a Government study says all the benefits of nursery disappear completely by the time the child is 11. Have a read of it here

Oh, you don’t work? Wow! I do as I have to have my brain stimulated. 

I love my brain being so bored it could cry and actually being as I am quite stupid I have never needed brain stimulation. Thanks so much for reminding me that my brain is now a big wet ball of mush. I really appreciate it.

You still read your son to sleep? Well, you need to wean him off of that pronto.

Why? Genuinely why?

You are moving to a new country. How will you cope? I couldn’t do that to my family. 

I am moving to support my husband who pays the bills and is being sent there with work. My family loves us and understands that this is an adventure for us all. What a gift to be able to show our son another part of the world. But thanks for making me feel some more mum guilt…I really needed that.

You do all the parenting yourself? Why? Can’t you let him go (followed by a nervous laugh)

No, I am entirely obsessive and I don’t trust anyone to care for my child other than me, my husband or his grandparents and that is how it is going to stay until he is ready and by ready I mean not screaming for me as I leave him. I am also not convinced that a room full of toddlers with carers who have never been parents themselves with no outside space is what I want for my 1 year old. Thanks though.

Just let him cry. It never did me or my kids any harm and he clearly just wants attention. 

Of course he does. He is a 4-month-old baby and this is how he communicates. If he asks for attention and by attention you mean for his mummy or daddy to comfort/feed/change/rock him then why wouldn’t we give that to him? It is absurd to think that a baby has the reason or the desire to be attention seeking. They only have needs at this point and frankly, his parents should be fulfilling them.

It took you 11 months to recover? I was back in the gym in 2 weeks.

Well done you. Seriously..go home and applaud yourself. I would encourage you to tell all your friends who have given birth how amazing you are..it really makes us all feel great about ourselves.

My friend just had a baby – natural birth, no drugs. She is a true hero.

What does that make me? I had all the drugs – some of them twice. I gave birth through my 10cm dialated vagina to a 9lb9 baby with a head on the 99th percentile. I had 15 pairs of hands, a suction cup, a knitting needle and the modern torture device known as forceps pull him out. Does that make me a coward? A wimp? Or a god damn champion for producing a human from my body? Hmmmm…you tell me?!

Phew…that feels better. I can highly recommend getting all of this out. If you’ve experienced similar get it down on paper over a glass of wine….it is sooo cathartic! It may not please everyone but that’s OK 🙂

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