what they don’t tell you !-life before children

MAMA SNOWBEAR - 13 Dec 17

Before children, I was always “THAT” person who secretly used to look at other peoples children and make a mental note to myself as to how I would do things differently.

My family would be like something off a Calvin Klein advert from the 90s. I would be that mother trekking through Tibet with my newborn neatly tucked into my Indian print scarf. My daughter would be dressed in floral dresses, and my son would wear cute dungarees with stripy tops and cute animal prints. They would sit next to me drawing as I lunched out with friends with no tantrum in sight, ha I wish.

So now my time has come, it turns out I’m not that mother I envisaged. I mean Don’t get me wrong I am very happy with the mummy that I have become, I have learnt things about myself I never new existed, but Here are some of the things I didn’t know before my world turned upside down and inside out:

1. That labour doesn’t always take place in a nice relaxing birthing pool, with whale music and the smell of aromatherapy oil wafting gently through the air whilst you’re husband strokes you’re hair.

2. That post-birth euphoria doesn’t always involve lying in your bed, with a cup of tea ,enjoying a cupcake or two (as One Born Every Minute cruelly suggests) cooing over your non squashed new-born as your partner looks lovingly at you. Your hair beautifully sprawled across your pillow, having just achieved one of life’s miracles with not much sweat and only a minor cry. Sometimes it involves throwing up in a paper bowl whilst having contractions wobbling on a giant yoga ball, and that sit down and push position you see most women do in the movies, sod that, standing with the natural force of gravity is the best position for me, we need all the help we can get.

3.That breastfeeding is not a walk in the park infact it can be really flipping hard. Who knew it wasn’t as simple as suctioning on your baby, onto your (now enormous) boobies ,like simply attaching that small hoover attachment you use for cleaning the car? .
Then there’s the hormones that constantly influx upon your poor body each time you breastfeed. Not to mention how it makes the ever lasting after birth period stay for longer. How is that fair, not to mention when you walk around the supermarket and hear someone else’s baby cry and it sets your knockers into feeding time overdrive, leak, leak, leaky flipping leak.

4. That some people can’t actually breastfeed, even if the scary breast police tell you this isn’t true, I lasted all of 3 months with my first and then 4 weeks with my second, it just was not for me and screw you mid-wife for trying to guilt me.

5. That you might cry a lot in the early days, About absolutely anything and everything. For example, someone bringing you chocolates and you now can’t find the box. I MEAN COME ON HORMONES …

6. That you really had no idea at all what being tired really meant. Now you have to bite your tongue (with deep rage inside you) when all your single friends tell you how “shattered” they are from a succession of boozy nights out or how little “TIME” they have, you don’t know what time is guys, trust me you will have your turn, and I SO hope they do get their turn. MUWAHAHAHA

7. You will never use the toilet alone ever again. Even if you do, it will resemble that scene from The Shining. The door’s shut, but they are on the outside desperately scrabbling to get in, fingers peaking under the door or maybe even toys attacking you through the keyhole, if you even manage to lock them out.

8. That leaving the house should win you first prize on who wants to be a millionaire. Even if you do manage to get all coats and shoes on, try dodging that last minute explosive poo or diva tantrum because the socks just don’t fit right, I mean come on and I thought I had issues.

9. That your social life will crash, burn, and those single friends become distant friends.

10. That your sex life will follow your social life unless you manage to have a quickie before the children wake at 5:30 am.

11. You will think nothing of rubbing baby sick leakage into your jeans with a baby wipe, rather than changing them, in order to just get out of the house in time for the school run.

12. That you and your partner will develop a competition chart for the ‘most tired’ prize and find you are secretly calculating on a daily basis how much the other one has slept.

13. That you will discuss / show parts of your anatomy freely with complete strangers. You won’t give two hoots who is stood around staring intently at your lady garden, you no longer hobble about, hunched over, covered in a towel to get your under crackers on in the swimming pool changing rooms, it’s there in all its glory and 0 f*cks are given, i mean you’ve been through the worst and lost all you’re dignity in that delivery room, it may as well stay there.

14. That going on holiday will transform from being a pleasurable pursuit, to an around the world trip ,even though you are only going to centre parks for the weekend. Yes, you may have once trotted off to France with hand luggage containing two bikinis, a skirt and some flip-flops. Now you’ll need a new car, roof box, bike rack and 7 suitcases just for a weekend break at Centre Parcs, oh and let’s not mention the food shop you have to bring with you.

15. That your house will be filled with tiny plastic tit bits, even though in your pre-children years you smugly looked at your friends and decided you would only ever purchase wooden toys for your future sproglets, because they looked high end and fabulous, but instead you find yourself in a world of pain from stepping on a piece of flipping lego. (trust me that hurts more than labour).

16. That walking around Tescos on your own will become a relaxing, and much-anticipated pastime. Once upon a time, you may have drunk cocktails in Soho every Friday night, but now 20 minutes spent staring blankly at the toiletries section will give you the same whiff of freedom and excitement and let’s not mention the orgasim you may have if you make it to the makeup section alone with 5 minutes to peak at all those prettys.

17. That you’re children’s shoes cost more than yours. Unless you buy them from a supermarket, and not Clarkes, and then you will face months of guilt that you are a shit, neglectful parent, how very dare you buy cheap shoes?

18. That your life will forever be a constant referee game, managing not one team but 3 or 4 depending on who is in on the fight that day.

19. That your makeup collection is now pre-owned by your daughter and it may vanish at any time so keep supplies hidden.

20. That you’re life as you once knew it will never, ever be the same again and expressing this to your none “parental” friends will just look like a sea of death on their face, there is no point even trying to explain, because we all know they won’t get it unless they end up parents themselves.

Therefore, Life will never ever be the same again, But then again, would you want it to be?

MAMA SNOWBEAR

Mother of 2,Artist ,creator,blogger and illustrator who enjoys lots of tea and the occasional glass of malbec :)

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