How do you know if you’re not ok?

diet coke and a pizza please - 3 May 17

After my first daughter was born, at times I felt like I was totally losing it. At one point I remember handing my days old baby to her dad, fleeing to our bedroom and kicking and screaming into a pillow like a toddler having a tantrum. I screamed myself hoarse. I couldn’t take any more. The intensity of breast feeding made me feel trapped. I was suffocating.

Within minutes I calmed down, went downstairs, and told him it was ok, I would feed her. It was ok, but if I was ok – that wouldn’t have happened; right?

The day my husband went back to work, he left us both fast asleep. Before he’d stepped foot in work, just minutes later, I was on the phone in tears, begging him to come home, terrified that I couldn’t stop her from crying, which she now was. I had a whole day ahead of me to look after her by myself and I was freaking out. Thankfully, he calmly suggested that I try feeding her (my brain was so addled, I couldn’t come up with that by myself) and said he would come home if it didn’t work. Knowing that he would come back gave me such relief, I offered her a feed which she took and promptly we both went back to sleep! We then got dressed and went to meet him for lunch! A whole 4 hours by myself with the baby achieved!

My health visitor gave me the mental health questionnaire that is offered to all new mums. I thought about it and then declined to complete it. Honestly; depending on which minute of the day I filled it in; I would either come out as ok, or they would scoop me up immediately and whisk me off to hospital.

Luckily I had my new mum group and they, together with my husband, friends and family got me through. When I saw a bunch of flowers coming up the driveway, I knew that my sister had seen that I was on the edge and was trying to put a smile on my face. She did, and also tears in my eyes. To know that she gets it, she’s been there, I’m not the only one, it meant a lot.

Was I suffering from PTSD after her crappy birth? Maybe.

Was I anxious about my new role as a mother? Most certainly.

Was I depressed at the total lack of freedom I now had in my life? For sure.

But I think the biggest thing affecting my mental health at the time, was the sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and it’s not hard to see why. That, combined with the unpredictable nature of life with a newborn and the perceived total lack of control over daily life, is a potent combination to challenge anyone’s sanity.

Now I’m a few months in with my second daughter and I’m finding the sleep deprivation taking its toll again. This time I get extremely angry at seemingly innocuous events.

I screamed at my husband in front of his mother and close friend because he’d left some bricks blocking the path to our back garden that I’d asked him to move, as that’s where I stash the baby once she’s asleep in her pram.

I yell at the dog for misdemeanours.

I don’t always parent our three year old in the way that I want to. In the way I feel I should.

I find my jaw clenched and hands fisted. I need a release for my anger.

I recently saw an advert on Facebook asking for mums to be photographed doing the thing they love most. And I cried. Because I don’t have anything. I’m hobby-less. Having a shower is my favourite part of the day. The heat on my sore breasts. The peace and quiet (if no-one comes in!).

It was a good reality check. I can’t expect to have good mental health if I don’t do anything for me. So, once a week I’m going swimming by myself. My husband has a busy and unpredictable work schedule so I needed something that could be flexible. I’m three weeks in and have managed every week.

The best bit isn’t even ploughing up and down the pool. Stretching out my body. Getting lost in my breathing pattern. Counting lengths. It is the bliss that is driving to the pool all alone, with a bag packed with only me in mind and the changing room without any kids!

It’s ok not to be ok
Talk to someone
#maternalmentalhealth

diet coke and a pizza please

View profile for posts, events and more info