Why failing isn’t failing at all

fi.m - 18 Feb 19

So a few weeks ago, my closest friends and I met up in a city different to all of ours. It was pretty central to where we all live (ish) but still a bit of an arsehole to get to. Two of us have children and three of us don’t. I decided against taking my car phobic toddler (who, coincidentally is currently going through a pushchair phobic phase too, fml) and opted for a sleepy newborn, with said toddler at home with my husband. I felt so confident driving down the M4 with my thermos of coffee and my sleeping child. This was so easy, everything was going to plan, I knew what I was doing for once.

My other friend who has children, took both of hers with her in the car but it started to unravel. Quickly. First she got lost in the one way system, then she couldn’t find a car park or a space in a car park. Then her internet stopped working so she couldn’t use her maps. Then the car park machine wouldn’t accept her money. Then the children lost it. Her eldest wouldn’t get back in the car and the youngest needed feeding again (my friend had already had to stop at the services to feed her, delaying her considerably). She called me in tears, not knowing what to do or where to go. Eventually she managed to get the kids back in the car, we were able to meet her as she wasn’t parked a million miles away (no one could figure out where she was because she didn’t know herself) and we all had lunch.

However, when we did meet, the first thing she said after I gave her a huge hug was ‘I totally failed’. I felt so upset for her. Not only had she had the most stressful few hours, she genuinely thought she’d done a shit job. Her kids were unhappy, she was miserable and she’d ended up being over an hour late. We all tried to reassure her and keep the lunch light and happy but her anguish and heartache was written all over her face.

As we finished the lunch and left, I drove away feeling really sad. I’d decided not to take my toddler for the exact reason that my friend had experienced. I adore and am completely in love with my eldest but she is really hard work and I’ve had a rollercoaster of a time learning about her and me when it comes to having to act like normal human beings outside of the house.

But my friend still took the gamble of impending tears and I didn’t. I opted for an easier afternoon. So was I the one who’d failed?! I’d been totally selfish because I wanted to see my friends without worrying about a potential tantrum (hers and mine), I hadn’t really been tested that day because I’d been cowardly. She’d been brave. Because it is SO hard when that sort of thing happens right? You have no control and feel totally exposed in an instant.

After thinking some more, I realised that neither of us had failed. Why are we so quick to berate ourselves? I’d had a shit time plenty before so I’d taken the easier answer – and why shouldn’t I, plus I did still have a newborn! My friend had battled through to still have lunch with us even though she wanted to just turn around and go home.

I’ve always greatly respected my friend but I feel a renewed admiration for her. She is brave, kind and hardworking and I will always remind her of just how brilliant a mother she is (she really is, she’s taking the two kids to France on our first newly extended group holiday ALONE next year because her husband has to work) and how she didn’t fail at all. She just learned a heap of new stuff for next time. As did I.

Oh and also, my newborn poonamied all in the car seat on the way back and I got a bus lane fine a few days later. So turns out I don’t know what I’m doing after all.

fi.m

New mum that loves all things food related. Recently discovered that sleep deprivation goes nicely hand in hand with salt-based snacks and stale biscuits (mostly found fallen behind the cupboard at times of desperation).

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