Why I am Hanging On To My Guilt….

PinkHairDontCare - 10 Apr 18

There are a plethora of blogs out there about “parenting guilt” especially “Mum guilt”. And there is an amazing army of bloggers trying to lift us out of the self-loathing slump we as modern day parents have fallen into. They tell us we are enough just as we are, that we are perfectly imperfect and that we should not feel guilty about the way we parent. In theory I get it, and I agree with the ethos….sort of. But deep down, if I’m totally honest, I just don’t think it’s true. I kind of like the guilt! …. “whaaaaaaaaatttt?!” you gasp! I know, I know, but give me a moment to wax lyrical.

THE GUILT – For me, it has a purpose, and like most things in life, it’s a case of “everything in moderation”. Obviously, if you are berating yourself so badly you can’t even give your child an hour in front of the TV, then of course guilt is bad! You need to rein it in, cultivate some confidence in your parenting choices and recognise your worth. But it has to be said, that good things can come from guilt (yes honestly!) For me it stops me being complacent, it serves as a reminder of how incredibly lucky I am to even be a Mama, and it helps me be better for my children. The end result of my efforts are irrelevant, my job as a parent is to try, because I am not perfect (nor will I ever be). What matters is we make the effort, we recognise when we have achieved our goals and reassess when we are unhappy with our choices. There is no measuring stick for parenting, no right or wrong, but what there is, are our own expectations, and the need to manage them.

So for my expectations, I invite the guilt in. I use it to analyse the day and decide if it has been good or bad for my parenting goals. I know in my gut, from the guilt in my gut, when I haven’t been patient enough, or when I have been unkind. If I have had a “bad day” with my cubs, when bedtime comes I sit with them and I apologise for my mistakes. I tell them that I will try harder and explain how I will facilitate a change. This shows them that I don’t always get things right, and that is definitely ok. Because I promise I will try again tomorrow. And if I continue to make the same blunders, if I try various methods and ideas, but continue to feel guilt from failure, then I change my expectations. I admit to myself that actually the goal is unattainable for me, then I let go of the guilt. It is done. Because beating yourself up with the guilt serves no purpose. It is damaging and detrimental to your relationship and your health. But utilising the guilt and releasing it, well then it becomes a tool for self-recognition, for appraisal, for peace.

And this, lovely readers, this is why I am hanging on to my guilt.

Love B xx

PinkHairDontCare

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