Why I fucking hate breastfeeding

Alicia Bloundele - 3 Feb 19

I write this to SM as a (hopefully) non judgy platform.

Ah Breastfeeding, that wondrous beast that is going to save our children from a fate worse than death, save them from cancer, asthma, an underprivileged social background, the list is endless.  But what about me, the mother… the mother who for the past 18 months and before that and before that has basically been a fucking dairy cow being pumped not just twice a day like those lucky bitches but allllllll day and all night. FYI they exist on a cocktail of drugs to get them through their nursing…

Okay, so I’m struggling, I’m quite happy to shout it out to the rooftops because honestly its pretty shit, and I feel that I’ve been duped into this breastfeeding baloney.  I’m onto baby number three and have boobed all of them, which is an achievement in itself. Apparently… my breasts (or what’s left of them) don’t think so but hey ho, thats another post in itself.

No I’m talking about this new wave of breastfeeding that encourages you to feed your miniature milk monster, until they are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…. When? How does it stop?  My littlest is nearly 18 months and unlike her older siblings is still feeding.  I fed my oldest until she was 9 months… I was 3 months pregnant with her brother at this point and I couldn’t keep it up (not that I’m justifying myself to you non- judgy people – but just in case there is a Janet out there…) Stopping was relatively pain free, I reached for the formula one night at a 24hr Tesco and we were sorted!

Number Two came along like a baby bull calf and I fed him until he was 7 months, due to work projects that meant I was working away (again just saying Janet).

Fast forward a couple of years to baby number three and when we got to 11 months and I started to feel worn out by the constant boobing, I reached out to my health visitor for advice on how to stop boobing, as little number three was in no way going to make this easy for me.

I was then informed – and this is the real shitter – that when your baby gets to 10/11 months they form an emotional attachment to your boob, not just a need to feed but an actual boob LOVE, like boob = FRIEND… so stopping is like taking away your baby’s bestest ever FRIEND.  WHY THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK WAS I NOT TOLD THIS BEFORE…. The fucking midwives with their fucking breastfeeding targets, thanks a lot NHS you big fuckface (not really I actually adore the NHS but I’m pretty pissed off at you for this!)

So I’m now with my darling beauty, at 18 months still supplying her with breakfast, lunch, tea, supper, midnight snack, “oh my brother woke me up at 4am and I need to get back to sleep shnuffle”  the list goes on, and I FUCKING HATE IT.  I really fucking hate it.

To add to this, we’d like another baby at some point but I seriously think I am so over boobing that I might reach straight for the bottle and I absolutely know that if I do breastfeed (which I won’t) but if I do, I will most certainly stop at 6, 7, 8 months because I’m really tired and I’m really fed up of having to wear breastfeeding friendly clothes and no it doesn’t make you lose fucking weight… whatever twatbag told you that is fucking lying and spends their days surviving on cucumber and celery.

But then… maybe I’ll forget, perhaps I’ll forget the stress, the tiredness, the broken body (because lets face it pregnancy makes your boobs look great) the constant boob groping (not enjoyable when it’s by a small person with a boob fetish to make Hugh Heffner look frigid) the constant battle to keep your babes hand out of your top and your clothes in place, as she literally buries herself trying find my rather pathetic boobs, burrowing around like a noisy aggressive badger.  I might forget, I hope I’ll forget… If we are lucky enough to have baby number 4, I promise to let you know.

PS Not all Janets are judgy pants

PPS I fully support breastfeeding and bottle feeding

PPPS these are just the rants words of a sleep deprived woman who thinks she’s rather funny… she’s probably not. Sorry about that.

PPPPS Image from The Joys of Parenting… amazing!

Alicia Bloundele

View profile for posts, events and more info