You Don’t Know Their Story

Fiona Ng - 21 Dec 18

It’s safe to say that we are all judgey pants (myself included). I think the only person I personally know who doesn’t judge EVER is my own mother who my dad often refers to as an angel in disguise (and I think he’s right!)

Anyway, for some reason judgement is RIFE in the motherhood arena and if we get really honest it only highlights our own inadequacies and the areas of weakness which we aren’t willing to face up to. Because let’s face it it’s easier to shine a light on others perceived flaws then it is to go inwards and tackle our own shit (because that’s painful and hard work). 

‘We only judge in areas where we are struggling’ because we wouldn’t even notice things in other people if we didn’t have issues in the basement.

Someone will often comment on another’s weight if they struggle with their own weight. Someone will comment on another’s parenting journey if they are struggling with their own parenting.

You see we don’t judge in areas where we feel like we are winning. And when we do judge and we judge in areas where we struggle, we are really trying to lift ourselves up to feel better whilst trampling all over someone else. (Trust me there’s some better ways to feel good about yourself)

The thing is I was timely reminded today that we don’t know someone else’s story (even if we do spend our time watching people’s 15 second insta stories) it doesn’t mean we know them.

We don’t know their past, their struggles, their journey. We don’t know their emotional heritage, their upbringing, their mental health history, their bank balance, their career situation, their daily life battles. We don’t have a clue what it’s like to be anyone else other than ourselves.

So really we should focus on our own shit, clearing out our own basement and vowing to remove judgement blocks in order to release ourselves from the ickiness that comes with judging.

Happy people don’t judge. Happy people focus on themselves and their own lives. They don’t feel the need to compare. They certainly don’t stand on other people to raise themselves up. Happy people know that everything ‘good’ comes from within themselves and they strive to take that goodness and let it radiate out of them. 

And I strive to be a bit more brighter as I consciously step into a new year.

We’re not perfect. We all have our mishaps. There’s a few practical things you can do when you feel that judgement crop up (because there’s days when those judgy pants are just all too familiar and we want to reach for them)

• Bring yourself into awareness when you’re judging. Notice the judgement thoughts. And ask yourself ‘How does this add value to my life by judging this person?’ and secondly ‘What particular issues do I have in this area that I am judging?’ (This brings the awareness back onto you and provides an opportunity for self exploration. This could also make a good journaling activity.

• Tap into empathy and compassion by repeating ‘I don’t know their story’. When you feel your judging in your mind (or your a seasoned keyboard warrior ready to hit POST) – remind yourself that you do NOT know this persons story. Everything you are thinking and feeling is your OWN perception and based on your belief/value system and you have created your own version of events. (Think when you see that mum with a bunch of kids going crazy and you think she should control them better and before you know it you’ve labelled her, judged her and told yourself you’re a better mum – remember you wouldn’t judge in areas where you feel like your winning) 

• Vow to ditch the judgy pants. You know judging aka bitching/gossiping/tearing someone else down is NOT attractive. My husband actually tells me it repels men! (Ugh who wants to be internally ugly by judging? Not me.)    Think twice before opening your mouth to judgment and giving it any power. You can tell those thoughts – nope, not today. I’ve got my own shit to focus on!

• Focus on things that make you feel better. Judging NEVER makes you feel better. If anything it makes you feel worse. Find some kind words to say about someone. If you’re making up stories about someone else anyway why don’t you choose to create a positive story (like wow that mum has SO many kids how blessed is she to have such a energetic, wild tribe of kids – bet that’s lots of fun on Christmas Day). Alter the story, create a better one. You don’t know the truth anyway and you’ll bring a smile to your face by creating a happier version of events.

And with that being said I really hope we can ALL remind ourselves that we don’t know anyone else’s story (even if they have published books on Amazon) there’s still bits people don’t put out there. There’s hardships we don’t see, struggles we don’t experience. Pain that only the one hurting carries.

I don’t know about you but 2019 is all about removing those judgy pants and being more compassionate to myself and others.

Be blessed ✨✨

Fiona Ng

Newcastle upon Tyne. Mum to daughters age (3) and (1) Entrepreneur, Writer, Conscious Parenting Coach

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