Mum Guilt

Emma Davies - 19 Jun 18

Well isn’t this one a joy?  Up there with feeling anxious and overwhelmed this one blindsided me good and proper.

Of course I’d experienced ‘guilt’ before but blimey this was on a whole new level.  Where was notification of ‘mum guilt’ in the job specification? Had there been one it perhaps would have gone something like this:-

New mum will be required to over analyse any given scenario and create an extremely high standard for herself.  Once she has invariably failed, given the unrealistic standard set coupled with the unpredictable nature of the shiny new human, she will experience an overwhelming feeling of guilt greater than that ever experienced before.

New mum should be flexible in that she should be able to feel guilty for numerous things at once all for an indeterminable amount of time.  

New mum will likely take her feelings of frustration/anxiety/guilt out on adult humans and should then be prepared to feel guilt for that.  

Thank goodness there wasn’t a job specification as with my tendency to over analyse and only apply for jobs whose criteria I meet 100% this one doesn’t sound very appealing.  But that’s the nature of the beast isn’t it? The guilt you feel is just one of many new emotions you may/may not experience when you become a parent and each person’s experience is different.

I breastfeed my first small human for 4 weeks.  An anxious 4 weeks where my tiny human was ‘failing to thrive’ and I felt extreme guilt at my inability to nourish him.  I was relieved when we switched to bottles and he started to gain weight but then spent an extremely long period of time feeling guilty about that decision and missing out on his baby status.  With the second small human I breastfeed for 4 weeks. I took onboard all the advice/guidance/assistance/you name it but again it wasn’t meant to be. There was a brief few days of sadness but no guilt this time round as I knew I had given it my best shot and instead I wanted to invest my time and energy into my new family of 4.

I wonder how much energy I used up feeling guilty over things that my small humans will never remember and will have had no impact on their lives?

I asked my mum whether she experienced guilt and if so what she felt most guilty about.  She said the worst guilt she experienced was when we had to move house and schools. I told her that my memory of this time was an exciting adventure of moving to somewhere new and I actually picked the school I moved to because my neighbour went there and it looked awesome.  I think this exactly illustrates how unproductive guilt can be and actually we needn’t be so hard on ourselves.

Although I won’t profess to living a mum guilt free existence second time round (I’m still a work in progress) I can hand on heart say it is nowhere near as bad and I have made a conscious decision to be kinder to myself. Even with each new phase of growing the original small human we’re learning together and it’s all trial and error.

Emma Davies

Just being me. Wife, lawyer, co-owner of two beagles, a small blue human (2013) and a smaller pink human (2017). I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (perhaps I’m still yet to grow up!) and have taken many paths over the years:- retail, bar staff, market analyst, administrative, personal trainer, children’s pony rides, Burger King (not necessarily in order). Jack of all trades master of some I requalified as a lawyer in my mid 20s and continue to practise when I’m not having my small humans. Former perfectionist, overachiever and people pleaser I’ve chilled my boots as that approach to life just doesn’t work for me now I’m juggling a professional career with motherhood. Now a big fan of not over committing and saying no, isn’t that liberating? That took a bit of work. Big thumbs up to guilt free self-care whether that be enjoying a hobnob with a hot cuppa whilst the baby sleeps, reading a couple chapters or getting my nails done. My legal career has seen me coaching people through extremely difficult experiences. I’d be really interested to expand this into confidence, motivational and wellbeing coaching having made some important changes in my own life to achieve a less hectic and productive lifestyle. For a long time friends and family said I ought to blog but I didn't think anyone would be interested in my ramblings. To be honest the thought of putting something out there in the public domain for scrutiny was so scary. Motivated by the challenge of #blogadaymay, and currently on maternity leave, I thought I'd see if I wasn’t too sleep deprived to remember how to construct a sentence and give it a go. The feedback has been so positive and encouraging it’s given me a massive confidence boost so I’m cracking on. The subjects are wide ranging. Having a one word topic to consider and then write about has been a great focus but also a great opportunity to reflect. A bit of nostalgia is going to creep in. I don’t take myself too seriously so there will likely be a bit of humour for good measure. The majority of the content will be looking at my views pre and post small humans as I wind my way through the crazy journey that is motherhood. I might throw in some insights but I'm not holding myself out to be an expert. Although I have kept them both alive so I clearly have some skills in that area. Why the lightbox? It was a birthday gift from a good friend. I took a couple pics with it and the idea stuck. It also means you can easily identify the topic and whether it might be of interest to you. It also means if I have zero inspiration for a photo I can just take a pic of the word.

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